Lately I've been very tired. I'm tired of not ever getting a full nights sleep and always being on call. Why do I do this? I've been wondering if it's guilt. Guilt of being able to walk, to brush my teeth or take a shower or just get in the car.
Perhaps the guilt extends to wanting a life that is somewhat normal. I've had to ask myself what would happen if I gave up being a caregiver. How would my husband's family cope with that. How would my husband cope with that.
I remember the day we sat on the edge of the bed and tried to wrap our heads around the fact that my husband had just been diagnosed with MS. I thought...we can get through this. I never believed it would get to the point where he could not walk, stand or sit up. I don't think he did either although we had heard of people with MS. It's not something you get through. It just keeps getting harder and harder to cope with. The summer of 09 he could transfer into the car and we spent many afternoons just cruising around the countryside. This summer getting into the wheelchair van was was a several hour ordeal. He can't sit beside me anymore to talk. The feelings of guilt are building.
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